Once again im up at the butt crack of dawn to bring you and update on me life. I went to my parents house for xmas, my sister wasnt there because she went to Norway. So it was a simple and quick xmas and i was back at my apartment before you knew it. I miss the holiday cheer and the feeling of a happy family. Instead of singing by a big real tree or laughing, i spent my xmas playing video games waiting for it to end, i wanted to go to bed at 7:30 last night but my friends wouldnt let me. Xmas makes my depression worse and worse every year. Cause i think about those happy families surrounding a table for dinner, and my family has their food on broken plates watching TV in the living room with giant dogs begging for food. No just once i want that warm fire and that giant xmas ham, everything laid out on the table, friends and family. I know in order to make this happen i think this summer im going to rent a house and the one im gonna rent is huge,its my friends moms house, hes gonna move in too. its gonna be parties and stuff, but next xmas is gonna be at my house and everything will be pretty. It will be all my friends stuck here for xmas along with many families. Its gonna rock.

Now back to yesterday as xmas, i got

1 a shit ton of socks
2 Rockband 1 not the second one the first
3 shirts
4 food
5 thats it

My sister is sucking up my parents assets by being unemployed like me, but i saved up enough to pay rent for a few months till i get another job, but my sister is living at home at 23 and has no job. it sucks and now her Girlfriend is moving to my parents house. Its not and issue of space because that house is a huge maze,but no its an issue of money and water, electricity, none of these things my sister has paid for. My mom has around $450 in the bank right now.i saw it. this sucks stupid economy.

My kitten is a ninja, she keeps escaping without anyone noticing, it sucks, cause ill go outside to hang out with someone and bam theres my kitten running around, she doesnt even have her shots yet and im waiting till January to get her fixed, least thats when her appointment is.

Wow im bitchy in the morning.lol


Time for to much info time.

You know what i miss more and more every day?


....good sex.

I havent had an orgasm(that i wasnt the cause of) in like 4 months, i havnt had good sex like ever though, but i just miss it. The feeling of love and the warmth of a body, i miss the fire in the eyes of someone that loves you. nvm, its all lame crybaby crap anyways.

Goddamn coffee make faster.

I played rockband all day yesterday
, and i rock at the drums, im on medium, and i rock. wait nvm i only rock to the thousands of pixel people that worship the band known as "The nearsighted lemmings" because we rocks! lol My dad did vocals once and i never wanna hear that again. He kept making sex noises and stuff, you know things that you dont wanna hear coming from ether of your parental units.

whoa got coffee and a kitten on my lap,the suns coming up,ive been watching out the window all morning, good morning sun, whats up big fiery dude?
The next paragraph it just about my old boyfriend, so dont read if you dont want to. this is the longest journal ever,


Well the years almost over, to think last year i was tryingto find a way to lose weight around this time, i was like 170, but carried it well. Now im 145 and thats from not eating and not going out much. Like i have parties but people have to come over here, i dont like to leave the comfort of this small space for the outside world. I use to be outgoing and happy.I didnt have a worry in the world. Last year life was simple. the year before that was amazing. There was a boy who loved me, and i fucked it up being me. I always tend to fuck things up and regret them for a long time. Ive forced myself to move on, but i still dream about him,and sometimes i wake up to that warm feeling i would get when i woke up to see him sleeping right next to me. I would give anything in the world to be back in his arms where i was safe, with his big blue eyes staring down at me. I listened to my moms poison and lost it all. Its not my moms fault its mine. i was so selfish. The funny thing is, if i had visited him right before i had to leave for the airport this summer, i might still be his and safe. he never hurt me with his fist, and when we got in arguments the situation was quickly remedied. I didnt have to hide behind an empty mask all the time. everytime i try to get over this guy i end up thinking about it more. and start crieing. i always fuck up everything. We set a wedding date March 23 rd 2011. March 23 was the day he asked meout at the opening of the ninja turtle movie. Everything was perfect then, i didnt have to work and i had support from all my friends. Since i lost him my life has been at a standstill, ive been lonely though i have a man. My doctor keeps telling me to get out of my house and go do somthing fun,like go camping, evertime i think of camping i think of him. My friends ask me to go to my old highschool and play in the park, i think of him. Everything around here reminds me of him. if i stay locked up inside then i wont think that much about him,though before i go to sleep i think of him all the time. how safe i felt and how warm my heart was. i know i can find love again, its been somany months since i lost him. it just feels like someone died and im never gonna see him again. worst of is if i see him on the bus or somewhere he keeps his head down and doesnt talk to me. it makes me want to scream. And now hes grown up and becamekindalike me everyonelikes him, allthe girls think hes cute. I miss him though, he knew me better then anyone. but im almost 20 and im young, but no matter what happens i cant be myself anymore and ill waist away in this living room, and smokemyself to death. This is one of those moments where i want a beer real bad but its too earlyto drink.

Good morning world? are you ready for me or should i hide?